Sunshine and Oxygen

The thoughts and doings of me.

well, it's sunny, but it doesnt really feel it, i don't know why.

the sun, combined with my music, tends to cheer me up. and what with having over 600 tracks on my mp3 player, i can pretty much pick and choose what i like.

however, my mp3 player has been dropped one too many times, and its decided to stop working properly. i now have to give it a tap (actually, more of a whack) to make it even play in both ears of my earphones.

and i'm pretty sure it's not the headphones, as i've tried a few pairs. so i now have an mp3 player that doesn't work.

and today, it decided to mangle up the latest strokes song when i was transferring it. which means i now have the latest track from the strokes, but its all chopped up and sounds crap.

so i'm sending it back for warranty. which i personally think is silly. though when its fixed, i will try to be more careful with it.

anyway, moving onto other music related topics, i've been listening to bbc 6music recently, and am actually loving it. i've discovered new artists i thought i never knew, and love the fact it plays old stuff as well (for example, i heard t-rex this morning, and it made me a happy guy). have a listen to it online, its a very different station to the usual bbc stations.

plus, i have also had not one, but two emails read out by nemone on the dream ticket show. i am very proud.

i also ordered aislie henderson's cd yesterday, and have been told it will come signed, and numbered. its also going to be personally packaged and sent by ainslie himself - theres no label malarky here. i think that's a really nice thing to do for your fans, to sign it. and also, he's very open and poetic on his website, and the songs are really lovely, a lot different to what we have in the charts at the moment.

anyway, i'm going off to hospital radio in about 25 minutes, which to be honest, is a bit primitive in terms of equipment, but nonetheless is a nice place to volunteer at. i get to meet people around the wards, and (try to) collect requests, and in some cases, show them how to actually tune in to us.

anyway, i'll post later. see you.

posted by: splashthegreen at 16:26 | link | comments (1) |

well, i'm feeling a bit better now. i forgot to mention my thanks to jennybird for her comment, it reminded me how caring mo'time can be.

i'm currently on yahoo answers, answering questions and the like. i only have 100 points to go before i get to level two. and to be perfectly honest, answering is addictive, it helps you get your opinions and views out, as well as your answers to some very open questions.

i'm starting to think about taoism again, and it's belief that good can only exist when bad does. it's a strong belief of mine, and when i started reading the tao te ching (online, on amazon, cheapskate i am) that was one of the first things to hit me - how much that made sense.

and it made me think; what if good didn't exist? would we just get used to the sadness in the world?

but, thinking about it, in these times, when lebanon is on the border of going to war with israel, well, maybe we don't have enough good in the world?

i do feel sorry for those people in both countries - not just israel. i mean, no matter who is the good guy and the bad guy in a war, there are still civilians being hurt. and that's not good.

the world seems to have escalated into terror. not one day goes by when we don't hear about the war against it. and its tragic.

i also feel for those in the U.S., having to hear day after day about this. at least i can escape it; whereas those over the atlantic have to listen to bush parping on about it non stop.

and he's not even involved.

earlier i saw a question on yahoo answers: "Should all muslims go to a camp to become non-terrorists?"

and it sort of shocked me. but then again, it's becoming the thing to expect.

i mean no offence to the majority of motime by saying this, but some people in america think in the same vein; that all muslims are terrorists. these type of people aren't just the rednecks, oh no. they could be your cosmopolitian woman at the office, or a old man who lives, breathes, and loves Texas.

again, its tragic. tragic that such a good country must have such idiots.

but i suppose theres a taoist look on it: for smart people to exist, there have to be idiots as well. or there really isn't anything to compare to.

i'll order the book at the end of this week, when i get paid.

after all, i am owed 4 hours - thats £15 in my pocket, and the book only costs about £5. maybe it'll help me deal with all this conflict and sadness.

and maybe it'll improve my life.

well, maybe.

posted by: splashthegreen at 22:52 | link | comments |

well, this morning it was raining. like the sky was crying for me.

last night, i talked to cameron. and he blamed me, for being so paranoid. apparently, it was a joke.

i'm going to go out on a limb here now:

i'm not happy as it is, what with the whole thing to do with jonathon, and for my love interest to suddenly start to go cold on me, well its not on.

i suppose i must've been just a flavour of the month. like a can of coke. he's gulped me down, and now he doesn't want me anymore.

to him, i'm just trash.

when we first talked, we could talk for hours about things. we talked about TV shows, love, life.

this morning, we barely talked at all. the conversation was rough, and awkward.

i don't want to have to be careful as to what i say on msn. and i don't want to have to try to dodge certain issues.

i did that with jimmy, and it wasn't nice.

we just talked, and he said
"well ive done fuck all wrong tbh"

so i did what i had to do. i cut it off with him.

he was dragging me down, so i let him go. frankly i just don't have the mental strength to deal with him.

i guess theres more fish out there for me to find...just a matter of time really.

posted by: splashthegreen at 10:57 | link | comments |

i feel so sick.

i've just found the myspace of a, shall we say, old friend. i'm not naming him, but those readers who will have known me for a whille will know exactly who it is. he's made me laugh, he made cry, he even made me fucking suicidal at one point, but that doesnt matter.

what does matter is that hes happy. with another guy. and i can't stand it. theres a picture of him with this guy, and hes smiling, and they both look so in love.

and you know what? it tears me up.

its actually hurting me to see him so happy. because i had my chance. and i didnt even think to make a move.

he's the first person who went to see ME, in lancaster. we went to williamsons park, a place i rarely go. its a place without all those bad memories i seem to have in every other place in the city.

i remember staring at him, and just wanting to kiss him. you know, one of those kisses that would set you free from the world, a kiss that would make him know how much i loved him.

yep, i loved him. not just liked, loved, to the extent that when i saw him drift off to another guy, i cried. so much.

we lost touch after that, and only got back in touch recently. and it was emotional.

it was during the period where only morissey and my love of twilight was keeping me alive. yeah, ironic that morrissey can keep a person from killing themselves.

but after i'd talked to jonathon, i cried on my phone to a friend, and i just wanted to die. i just couldnt take it anymore, i needed to go somewhere.

so i went to her house.

and on the way, i listened to morissey, and felt a bit of hope. and i looked up at the stars. maybe everything was going to be fine.

so i dodged the blow that time.

but i knew somehow, he's wander back into my life.

and he did. tonight.

tonight, at a time when a guy (called Cameron)  was reassuring me that he still liked me.

then he ruins it half an hour later by posting a drunken bulletin with the following:

" some fuckin fit as fuck dude, has like, sent me a footo fo his really fuckind fit self, and not redlp-led back ,adn i thinedk hes liekd scaredcc of me"

read it and see if you get the jist of things.

as i see it, he is saying he had a boy message him with a picture, he messaged back, and the fit guy hasnt got back to him.

and he's irritated.

after all the effort i put into him. after me believing everything he told me.

he's let me down. and so i went browsing random peoples profiles.

and i froze.

there was the boy from 2 years ago, looking happy.

and i choked.

there he was, with a nice guy. and i didnt need words to tell me how much they were getting on.

the picture said it all.

my lost chance was sitting there with a grin on his face, with a guy. who looked sweet.

i know for a fact he'd lost it to him.

something that i would like to do soon. all that crap about waiting for the right time is crap. you just need the right guy.

and for me, time's a ticking.

everybody else is out there having sex, and i'm just here.

and it makes me so lonely. this city, it's killing me.

i can count on one hand the friends i have in lancaster. everyone else hates me, or is just a little scene kid.

and now, i feel so weak. i feel so rejected.

so don't shout at me when i say i want to die.

it'll pass.

posted by: splashthegreen at 22:03 | link | comments (1) |